十六年前寫給自己的電郵:一直都唔知自己想點

思然 oce
6 min readNov 21, 2022
Photo by Álvaro Serrano on Unsplash

在美國工作一年三個月後,出席大形審計會議,是包酒店開兩三天的那種,紐約以及附近分部(如波士頓)的四大的高級員工都會盡量出席。而我即使在美國不算是高級員工,但因為在香港其實也是經理,於是也能出席。

其中一個會,講者叫我們跟旁邊的人嘗試很興奮地分享自己剛才吃了甚麼午餐,當時我說了甚麼早忘了,不過分享過吃甚麼午餐後,講者叫我們分享自己的工作。

那一刻,我無言,我完全沒有辦法興奮地分享自己的工作。而我明明有辦法興奮地分享那份沒有甚麼特別的午餐。

我的工作連一份午餐都不如。

然後,我開了電郵網頁,扮工地寫了以下的電郵寄給自己:

I need a change.

It is getting more difficult for me to focus on my work. First, I have too many projects. Second, all these projects are of the same type which is definitely unchallenging. Ever since I was a kid, I have had difficulties focusing on unchallenging tasks. That’s why I was expelled from my school while I had great exam results.

Right now, I hate what I am working on. It is so meaningless. It is not challenging at all.

The pain about being good at something you don’t enjoy working is actually worse than bad at something you don’t enjoy working — cause you can at least vent to your friends “I hate my job because it is so difficult, I am not good at it.” But it sounds arrogant to say “I hate my job because I am too good at it, it becomes too boring”, especially when you are working in a field with a position that your friends fancy a lot.

Who would understand?

Some may say work is work, it does not have to be enjoyable.

True. But if my work takes up all my time, and I have almost no time left for myself except sleeping (4 hrs) and commuting (1.5 hrs), can’t I at least have some time to work on something I would enjoy? What’s the point of life anyway?

I tried to turn down some project requests, but people just kept on convincing me to take them up. I am not good at saying no. (Great, at least there is something I am not good at in my work…) Also, I am kind of worried that people will think I am saying no because I don’t worry about being laid off, so I have to say yes.

I really don’t understand why projects I turned down always find their way back to me. Now, counting all the time I spent on the emails and discussions I had with those people, I might as well finish what they asked me to do had I said yes at the beginning. Who knows?

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思然 oce

PhD | Research Psychologist | Psychometrician | Computer Science Teacher | IT Auditor/Consultant | ex-CISA/CISSP | Top Writer in Humor | Work in HK, UK, USA